As a lot of you know, I met my own husband online. The tips in this article are ones I personally road-tested, and that my private clients continue to use today, to find their own Happily Ever After match. (continued below)
While you can’t control for chemistry or a soulmate-level connection, there are effective ways to screen out duds, scammers, and guys who just aren’t that into you. Once those roadblocks are out of the way, you can actually relax and have fun.
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Don’t just wing it. Set yourself up for success. Protect your self esteem and prevent toxic relationships before they can even start.
Rule 1: Don’t fall in love over texts, or get overly excited about mutual chemistry in that first chat. Never forget that you are dealing with an unconnected stranger who can disappear (or act like a jerk) at any point in the process. When your sister-in-law sets you up with her single co-worker, that dude is on notice to treat you like gold; otherwise, word will get out and there will be negative consequences for his poor form. And unless he’s a total idiot, your grandma’s neighbor’s son is not going to be asking you for nudes. Not so with that Tinder guy…. (keep reading below)
SHOP REVOLVE FOR COZY L.A. STYLE
To Mr. Tinder, you are some random dot on the graph of life. He may start out professing love at first sight, only to disappear without a trace. So, please lower your expectations for any new guy. Never get overly excited about a date or invest your emotions in a man who hasn’t yet demonstrated, over weeks or even months, that he’s in this for the long haul. An online match can ghost at any point in the process. Don’t take it personally (he’s a stranger!) and do move on quickly. (continued below)
Rule 2: Never contact men first. Whether you’re on Tinder, Match, or any other app or site, always let men pick you out from the crowd and never contact a suggested match first—not even a simple emoji. Sites and apps attract revenue, advertisers and memberships when they deliver lots of connections, even if those interactions are poor quality. The apps WANT you to be reaching out to men. It’s good for their business—but terrible for your romantic life. Follow this rule and spare yourself the type of date I describe in Rule #14, where the man has mentally checked out before his first beer.
Most men would prefer NOT to disappoint you or hurt your feelings by saying no. If you contact him first, what do you think he’s going to do? Probably accept your invite, and see if you’re down for whatever. Is that really what you want? (continued below)
Rule 3: Limit the Date Zero (first real-life meeting, which is not a real date) to 1 hour. I call the date zero a “sandwich” date because you can sandwich it in between other activities, such as walking your dog and meeting a friend for dinner. This has several benefits, not the least of which is that a man is more likely to ask you out again, for a proper date, if you limit the time spent in this initial meeting. (continued below)
The purpose of date zero is simply to see if there is a mutually agreed-upon level of attraction. That’s it. A good venue could be drinks, coffee, or a juice bar—any public space. All-day hiking, a picnic at a scenic spot an hour out of town, and other time-intensive activities are not appropriate venues. Neither is anything overtly sexy or intimate, such as watching videos or cooking at his apartment or yours. Meeting at a strip club is never appropriate, unless you work there and he is picking you up for the date. (Picking you up at your home may be gentlemanly, but it’s wise to wait until you know him better.)
Rule 4: Go by an alias and use a burner email address until you know he’s legit. A man does not need your real, full name until you have gone out several times and you are sure that he is safe. Following this rule will boost your confidence, make you feel more secure, and allow you to engage with men in a more relaxed way—which will make them even more into you. Never use your work phone number, work email, or any other identifying contact information in your online profile. (continued below)
If he presses you for your full name before the third date and you trust him, go ahead and share it. But it is also o.k. to flirt and sweetly answer “Hmm…I’m not sure….” If you have fun with it, he will too. (And if he turns out to be psycho, you will have made it much, much harder for him to track you down again.)
Rule 5: After he suggests meeting, have him call you to finalize the date details. On the surface, this call is about logistics and avoiding endless texts back and forth, but it is also a safety check. You can tell a lot about someone through a brief conversation—no longer than the few minutes it takes to arrange your meeting place and time. Does he sound overly nervous? Does he sound weird?
Always trust your instincts and quickly cancel the date if anything doesn’t seem right. Remember, texting is silent: If a man resists calling you it can be a sign that he has a girlfriend or is possibly even married. Most women are fine with messaging or email contact only, so you may need to say—after he suggests meeting—”Sounds great, could we figure it out on the phone? 000-000-0000.” If a man truly wants to meet you (not just window-shopping) he will appreciate being able to plan the where and when in one phone call. If he never calls, you’ll know he wasn’t really in the running in the first place. (continued below)
Rule 6: Sometimes, a man who seems super-interested before the date, won’t be into the real you. Men don’t fall in love with your profile and favorite movie list—they fall in love with your essence. The way you talk and move and smile are all part of your unique charm and allure, and can’t be captured in a photo.
If he avoids eye contact or seems distracted or bored, don’t mistake those signs for shyness. A truly shy guy may seem flustered, but he’ll still radiate interest and attention. His vibe will be: I’m very very interested in you. If that’s not his vibe then face the facts: Mr. Restless is probably not attracted to you. That’s okay. Politely end the date early and move on.
Rule 7: Forgive his dorky sense of humor. Some men are eager to impress, but not necessarily skilled at putting women at ease. They may think they are flirting with you by teasing and making jokey comments. Before the date it is sometimes hard to tell if your sense of humor will be compatible with his; or whether he is socially impaired or just nervous. (continued below)
Lots of nice guys lose out at this stage, either because they hang out with other men all day at work, or work from home, and haven’t had a ton of practice. While we want to screen out the truly weird, dangerous, or disrespectful, take a second look at men who seem sincere, respectful, and demonstrate follow-through.
Rule 8: Skip men with overtly sexual profiles. Players tend to be very open about their interests and the chat quickly gets sexual. If a man sends you suggestive comments just ignore him and move on.
Rule 9: Ignore men with lazy opening lines. If all he can muster up is “hi” “ur hot” or 😉 just ignore him. Wait to receive a message that demonstrates a little more effort and interest in your profile, specifically.
Rule 10: Politely asserting yourself doesn’t make you high maintenance. It is neither bossy nor impolite to state your preferences. If a guy is excited about meeting you he will want to please and impress you. While we would typically let a man lead the planning of a date, a gentleman will certainly ask for your opinions. It is o.k. to tell him that you prefer to meet near your gym or wherever is convenient for you.
Or that you don’t like sushi. And you can only meet on Tuesday. Really, don’t be shy about your needs and preferences. If he has already asked you out, is in planning mode, and is inviting you to provide feedback—give it to him. If he says you are too high maintenance or in any way tries to suppress your point of view, say “No, thank you” and skip the date. It was not going to go well anyway.
Rule 11: Men appreciate the simple “No.” Practice a breezy “no thanks” with men. There is never a need to embellish. Providing the full explanation and details as to why you don’t care to drink alcohol on the date zero is unnecessary and none of his business. Likewise, he doesn’t need a list of your allergies and food restrictions; or to hear all about your terrible experiences at a local restaurant and why you’ll never dine there again.
Respond with “No, thank you” or “it’s just not my thing” where appropriate. Then follow with silence. Men hear you best when you don’t go on and on. If he’s a gentleman, he’ll respect your wishes, and if he likes you he will take pleasure in accommodating your preferences.
Rule 12: Keep the conversation light. There is no benefit to getting emotionally naked on the date. Save your innermost thoughts and feelings for those who’ve earned your trust. Many women over-share on the first date in an attempt to draw men closer, when instead it telegraphs that you have weak boundaries and are desperate for connection.
You will end up driving away normal, healthy guys, and attracting men who are opportunistic or exploitative. Neither do you need to research conversational topics or memorize cute jokes. Relax, trust that simply being with you is enough, and let him lead the conversation.
Rule 13: He pays for the date. If you start splitting the check now, you will set up a dynamic in which you will always have to help him date you. Besides, when a man likes you, it is his pleasure to be generous and provide you with things. If it makes you feel better, consider that he will select a date venue that is within his budget; meeting at a coffee or juice bar is perfectly acceptable and inexpensive. Besides, do you know how much he spends on golf with his bros or his vintage comic book collection? You’re worth it!
Rule 14: Pay attention to signs of disinterest and be quick to hit the eject button. Acknowledge that sometimes men simply aren’t attracted to you when they meet you in real life. Salvage the rest of your evening and end the date quickly if he doesn’t seem interested. How can you tell? He may be flat or unengaged in conversation, check his phone constantly, drink heavily, ogle other women in the bar, flirt with the waitress, or otherwise passive-aggressively announce: I’m bored.
When a fish is wriggling like this on the hook, it’s best to set it free. Excuse yourself (it doesn’t matter what you say) and head for the exit before you waste another precious minute. Whatever you do, don’t work to engage him in conversation or try to focus his attention back on you. You are not his unpaid escort. If you have to work for eye contact, he is not into you or he’s playing some kind of power game; the longer you sit there trying to revive this dead fish, the worse you will feel about yourself.
Here’s a tip for next time: Men who aren’t really available or not that attracted to you often have difficulty setting up the date in the first place. If he arranges a date but then cancels on you, don’t immediately give him a second chance to reschedule; pass up his first offer and see if he persists.
Also, if he expects you to do all the planning or has no suggestions or is otherwise lukewarm prior to the date, that can be a red flag. If he drags his feet, you should immediately become less interested in meeting him. Even if he was to be your only date in months, you are better off staying home or going to the gym than subjecting yourself to the glazed look and tepid conversation of man who would rather be elsewhere.
Rule 15: You can say yes to long-distance suitors. If you live in a rural area where there aren’t a lot of dating opportunities nearby, I feel your pain. Nonetheless, you are still going to have to follow these rules if you want to meet a quality man. You aren’t going to contact men first. And you cannot travel to his town for the date—he must come to you. Understandably, many women in tight-knit communities don’t want to be seen with an online date in their local coffee bar, where everyone knows your business. If you prefer, it’s o.k. to have him meet you one town over, if that means driving 15 minutes or less, and it’s not too inconvenient for you. And, yes, the first date should only last an hour, even if he has to drive 3 hours each way to see you.
One of my recently married clients can tell you that men really are willing to drive hours for the right girl. Her now-husband drove 2 hours each way to meet her for a 1-hour date zero in a little town in Western Kansas. After exactly 57 minutes of chit-chat, my client left him and went to her previously arranged appointment. Was he upset that he’d driven 2 hours to meet her for a single coffee in a diner? No. He spent a few hours exploring the unfamiliar town, identified the one “fancy” restaurant, ate dinner there alone, and filed it away in his memory; 10 months later he brought her to that same restaurant for a surprise proposal.
Final Rule: When in doubt, always skip the date. Listen to your uh-oh voice and pass on any suggestion that doesn’t feel right. Remember, a man is on his best behavior at the very beginning of a relationship. He should be going all out to impress you. If he’s not, take the hint and move on.
xo
Robyn
Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new blog posts and advice. Learn how to rock The Rules your own way for lasting love and commitment.
